I weigh so much now that I could choose to remain in a permanent state of depression about it. But we all know that would be unhelpful. I feel like a failure… but I can’t be, because I am trying again. I’m not only trying to lose weight, but to lose the things that CAUSE me to be overweight: unhealthful eating habits, inactivity, spiritual hindrances, etc.
It would almost seem that weight loss is a continual central theme of my whole life. What I mean is that the things that it will take for me to overcome in that area just so happen to be the same principles I need to put in place in all the rest of my life to attain success as well. And the things that have hindered me, preventing me from overcoming in this sensitive area of my life are probably what have also proven obstacles in other areas of my life as well. I don’t see myself as an undisciplined person, yet lack of self-discipline/self-control is EXACTLY what has helped me end up here.
I believe I have been overweight since the first grade. My mother has a photo album that shows me in a class picture with all my 1st grade friends. I might have been one of the cutest little kids in that picture with my pigtails and excited smile–but I was also obviously one of the heaviest. No, I was not THE fattest kid at any time in my grade-school years, but I was always at the higher end. I remember weighing 98 pounds in the 3rd grade when I was 9. Then I weighed 104 in the 4th grade, and 112 in the 6th grade. And 127 in the 7th grade. How can I remember all this so precisely? Because of the humiliation I felt every year whenever we all lined up to go visit the school nurse.
I could pretty much keep up with my friends and do anything they did. I could run and jump and do cartwheels. My weight didn’t stop me from participating in any activities, and I was never the last one to be chosen for a team in any sport. I didn’t make the cheerleading squad the two times I tried out, but I was never under the impression that I didn’t make the cut because of my weight. I was a flagger for the marching band one year and was in the marching band itself during another year.
In my younger years, my weight was something that always made ME self-conscious, but it didn’t seem to keep me from making friends, nor from attracting male attention. I knew myself to be pretty in spite of my weight, but I would still make heroic attempt to lose it. I would go without bread for days on end. When I had access to money, I tried Slim Fast for a while. By the time I was in high school, I had joined Weight Watchers with my mom. That was the first official attempt to reach out for serious help with a problem it looked like I couldn’t overcome alone.
I have already written previously about my negative experiences with the doctor-prescribed Phentermine that I took as well at the B-complex vitamin shots they would give me. I am not blaming anyone, it’s just my experience. But as I said, since I have already blogged about it, I won’t repeat that here. Suffice it to say that I lost perhaps 40 pounds in the time I was taking it, but over the course of the following year, I regained that, plus 40 more. You can see why weight loss has been a distressing issue for me. I am now seeking other options.
I sincerely appreciate your prayers and positive thoughts!