8

I’m Out

Well, if you followed my blog because I was about to have Weight Loss Surgery…I’m sorry for both of us.

I’m opting out of the surgery, and I’m still pressing toward being my most authentic self. I hope you will remember that my original purpose for beginning this blog was to discover and express that true Self.

I am sooooooo happy for all my friends here who have had and those who will have the surgery. I wish you the best of luck and the best of health. I honestly mean that. I pray we will all get there; where we want to be.

As for me, I had to confront the truth: that I had made a fear-based, emotionally-charged decision: something I know from experience is a horrible thing to do and rarely has good outcomes. On the contrary, the decisions I have made that way have usually come with a horrifying price tag and many, many regrets. At the age I am now, I honestly cannot afford to make many more decisions like that.

Somewhere deep inside I have believed and do believe that I will receive Divine help. And yet it seems that looking back, I have consistently drawn back in doubt and then fallen into the trap of trying to do what has been successful for other people. I have never been true (over the long term) to the Guidance that I know for a fact that I have received. Instead, I have made many choices in desperation. Even now, I am carrying around an extra 100 pounds on my body that is largely due to one of those decisions to act in desperation when my weight-loss efforts were not paying off dividends fast enough for my satisfaction.

Be Blessed. Be Happy. Be Well.

11

That Which I CAN Do

Like everybody else on this weight loss journey (and therefore on someone’s waiting list!) I get a little impatient and anxious sometimes. Can’t this go any faster? Does every appointment have to be for ANOTHER two weeks out?! But I’m not crazy: I recognize that since I made this decision on April 26 to pursue gastric surgery, that truthfully a lot has already happened. I am probably looking at surgery as early as the first week in August, so honestly I have nothing to complain about. I have much to be grateful for, and I know that it would be in my own best interests to make this a productive waiting period.

I decided that one of the things I CAN do is to go ahead and begin implementing some of the lifestyle changes that will be necessary after the surgery: like commitment to physical activity instead of the sedentary lifestyle that I have been living. I am happy to say that I am about a week and a half into a daily walking regimen. Hurray for me! The first day I went out to the par course I felt like crap! I could not BELIEVE how much more out of shape I have gotten in just the past year. One time around the little circle [about the same size as a standard track] and I was tired and heaving. ME, a person who used to do 2 to 3 MILES a day in the gym on the elliptical machines.

Sure, I was happy that I’d finally stopped merely thinking about exercise and actually done something…but at the same time I felt as miserable internally as I did externally. It took me about 6 or 7 minutes to do what just a year ago I could do in about 4 or 5 minutes. Oh well, I decided that I would simply agree with myself to do a little more every day until I have built back up to my former ability. Each day that I have gone–and yes, I missed a day or two in between–I have added another time around.

Saturday I went to a real track at a nearby university and did a mile in about 25 minutes. Don’t worry, I realize that’s nowhere near my goal of 15 minutes per mile. But hey, I was celebrating that I finally did a mile again after such a long time of not doing anything. And then something amazing happened this morning. I got out of my car at 7:06 and walked 5 times around the par course like it was nothing! I felt great. Then I looked at my cell phone. It was 7:29. WHAT??? That was the way I USED to walk.

Well, I have built up my speed. Next goal short term goal: build up my distance until I am back to doing at least 2 miles per day. Long term goal: Jogging 5 miles per day.                                         AA walking_cropped

4

I am Beautiful

I am loved. I am beautiful.

Me, at the most I have ever weighed.

Me, at the most I have ever weighed.

I am loved. I am beautiful.

I am loved. I am beautiful.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that no matter what I look like on the outside, that my eternal Self is really okay. And not just “okay,” but radiant, and lovely. And yes, I wish I could do away quickly with everything on the outside that obscures the image of the Divine in me. But alas, here I am, stuck in this earthen vessel that sometimes seems close to cracking! This earthen vessel that gets really dirty and grimy. This earthen vessel that feels as if it has held both the best and the worst of what life can offer.

Today I will be more gentle with myself. I will show myself the grace that I am usually so quick to show others. I will love myself because I am worthy of that love. The real me is beautiful and will one day shine through all this ugliness and pain.