Beginning (Again)

Me as of today 5/24/13. I weigh 272 pounds.

Me as of today 5/24/13. I weigh 272 pounds.

I am happy and surprised that so many people have already shown me such caring support in these first tentative steps on my journey toward a better Self.  I offer you my most sincere thanks and I say from the bottom of my heart that your supportive thoughts toward me have already spurred me on to greater action.

Today I would like to upload of photo of myself as I previously promised–and we can get to know each other a little more intimately. As far as weight goes, I currently weigh more than I ever have.  For that matter, I weigh more than I thought POSSIBLE for someone my height. I am not as limber as I used to be, and my joints seem to suffer a bit from the sudden weight-gain over the past year. At the same time, I am deeply grateful that I can still move at all.

I have been tempted toward discouragement over and over since January of this year when I made the decision to really try to do something about my weight. The reason is that in spite of the fact that I started going to the gym again about 4 or 5 times a week,  I continued gaining weight. I told myself that was only muscle. It had to be, right? I mean I was keeping a food journal and everything to be sure that I wasn’t going over what I should have calorie-wise.

But when the same thing happened in February, I was speechless. I was convinced that an evil genie had entered into the scales and was inside there laughing at me. T his is when I admitted that something may still be affecting me from having taken those darned Phentermine pills the previous year! My body was determined to keep putting on fat, no matter what I did!! I had never seen anything like it.

At the beginning of March I began taking Zumba classes. For anyone out there who doesn’t know it, that’s burning 700-1000 calories per hour! And I was going 3 or 4 times a week.  The good thing is that I found my spirits lifting; I experienced an increase in energy and stamina; I began to feel more hopeful than ever about my weight situation. After about a month I noticed a difference in the way my clothes fit.  Unfortunately at the end of the month when I checked the scales, I had still GAINED weight.

I don’t usually consider myself an optimist…but I must be a real die-hard, because I was convinced that April would be the turning point for me and that suddenly I would see all my hard work rewarded by a decrease in numbers of the scales. I was wrong. And yes, I cried. I cried in self-pity. I cried out in rage at the futility of it all. I cried because of the hopelessness that I felt at being in a situation that seems impossible for me to overcome in spite of my best efforts.

From June of last year to February of 2013 I have gained more than 60 pounds. That’s more than 7 pounds per month! NO ONE gains that much weight every single month unless there is a serious problem. If there is any good news here, it’s that after beginning Zumba classes I seem to have retarded the weight gain just a little.  That is to say, in the last 3 months I have only gained 6 pounds. (Well, THAT’S odd: I never thought I’d live to see the day that I’d be glad to have only gained 6 pounds! How ironic life can be sometimes.)

It would almost seem that I have very little reason to be hopeful…and yet there it is: Hopefulness. Rearing it’s head again. It must be the walks I’ve been taking. Yes, I’ve added that to the regime. I go to a park or to a par course and walk about 2 miles on the days that I don’t go to Zumba. It must be the sunshine and fresh air that encourage me. Something happens when I keep putting one foot in front of the other, and I’m not sure I can fully articulate it. But when I’m out there walking and breathing I feel…SURE. Yes, I feel certain that  I’m going to beat this and that my body is going to HAVE to obey the healthy dictates I’m giving it. It’s only a matter of time until it manifests, right???

I will keep moving forward in hope.

I will keep moving forward in hope.

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